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Keeping that Faith. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

I’ve been through a lot in life. Broken family, relationships which ended painfully and life’s uncertainty. Oftentimes, I feel scared on what the future holds for me. Doubts filled my thoughts with despair and anxiety. I questioned myself, “can I still make it through?” 

When Jesus came into my life, everything made sense. I felt complete, loved and appreciated. For the first time in history, I felt secured — in Jesus, I have ETERNAL LIFE.

While it is true that I still face struggle daily and problems heavier than I ever had before, I know God is with me. He will always guide my path. I know all things will work together for my good because I have a God who is FAITHFUL.


Whatever God promised me — salvation of family members and marriage, God will make it happen in His PERFECT TIME. I trust Him it will all happen, no matter how long it takes. Waiting could be hard, but I’ll use it to serve and worship the Lord through ministry. 

If by any chance you face the same worries in life, DO NOT LOSE HOPE. God is able and will direct your steps according to His purpose. Keep the faith! ❤️

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Fairy Tale No More.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).

About a month ago, I posted a blog about my engagement. Yes, I got engaged! However, TODAY my engagement has been called off. No third parties or whatsoever, it was a mutual decision. No one knows why we had to end this way. Both exerted efforts to fix things, and yet, it’s not enough.

For the past few months, I was restless and scared especially December is nearing end. I was unsure if I really wanted marriage with my ex boyfriend, because if I choose him, I will lose my daughter. It’s not that my daughter didn’t accept him, instead, it’s the other way around. He told me all his conditions even before he fought for me with his family. I agreed, probably I was fascinated with the idea of marriage. Weddings, engagement, etc. are all my delusional dreams ever since I broke up with the dad of my kid. So going back to the topic, we both decided to get married only because of sudden emotions.

Last weekend, my ex fiance started to feel dull. We had a huge fight, which even made me go back to my family’s house. At that time, I thought that was the end. But I took the courage to talk and fix things with him. So everything went back normal. Nevertheless, I was wrong. We are not totally fine. Relationship is still on the rocks. He is confused, and so am I.

We discussed all the issues and confusions this evening. I asked him to decide and this time around, it should be firm and final. I made it clear to him that he should not feel guilty for whatever decision he would come up with, since this decision is matter of life and death. Both of our future would rely on this, and he agreed.

Clocks ticking and minutes have passed, he hasn’t given me his answer, until the moment I was waiting for came. Actually, I don’t want to hear his decision. However, I should be brave enough to endure pain, since I’m mentally stronger than him.

He uttered the words, and finally decided not to pursue anymore due to constraints and other complications. For a minute, I felt numb. Tears started to drop and I can’t help it. All of a sudden, my dream wedding ended.

I had no choice but to accept his decisions. I needed to be strong and accept my long awaited punishment for all my sins in the past.

Now, I’m only praying for one thing, may God help me endure this pain ONCE AGAIN. I know I cannot handle this alone, and will never be. I’m not perfect and I commit sins. But God is a loving God, and His love will never fail.
To be continue…

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He has plans.

God has greater plans.

Lately, I’ve been pondering about us. I never thought we were going to be this close. Back then, I was just trying to get a glimpse of you from my work desk. Now, I’m already in your arms. Frankly speaking, a lot of things have changed ever since I met you.

As each day pass by, things are starting to get more serious. Somehow, it’s complicated because of some issues that revolves around it. Initially, I thought of giving up. But each time I see your face, I’m ready for war.

It’s not by chance that I met you, I believe that there’s more to that. God brought us to each other’s lives for a reason. Something that we are not aware of. Probably, we won’t understand it for now, but sooner or later, it will be all clear.

For all the pain that this relationship have caused me, I know it’s worth the risk. First time that I’ve ever loved someone so unconditional, even if I know there’s a bigger chance for me to get hurt, I still don’t mind at all. I trust God and His greater plans. So even if you decide to leave me, that’s okay. One day, all my questions will be properly answered.

I’m still here. I trust every word that you said. I’ll cling on to your promises. I’ll hang on, okay?

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Unselfish love.

You know it’s true love when you want them to be happy, even if you’re not a part of it.

People would ask me,

Cam, why are you not yet together?

And I would say,

because we are taking our time.

This is the normal response that I give to everyone, who would ask me why I’m not yet in a relationship with the Indian guy. On my part, I know I’ve already moved on from my previous relationship. Even before I met the Indian guy, I’m already coping with single hood. However, it’s not the case for him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to imply that he is in a relationship. Indian guy is totally single, I’m just not sure if we are on the same level.

After nine months of coming here to Manila, it was just four months ago that he broke up with his ex girlfriend. Or should I say, his ex broke up with him. He was emotionally reck and depressed after that incident. However, he had no choice but to cope with the decision that his ex made. So for four months, he’s completely single, until he met me.

For almost a month, we are exclusively seeing each other. Things are turning really good for both of us. Nevertheless, he is my perfect combination in all aspect. Unfortunately, every relationship has its flaws. In our case, I think this Indian guy is not yet over with his ex girlfriend. Occasionally, he would rant to me about his ex. He says that he is so upset that his ex girlfriend cheated on her, despite the fact that he didn’t do anything wrong. And so I would respond on the neutral state, because I don’t want to be biased. But there are times that I would feel really sad, every time he will talk to this girl. As you don’t know, his ex girlfriend is ill. She is starting to have a colon cancer, although it was not yet medically confirmed. So I being the third party on the situation, I would tell this guy that he should understand what this girl is going through because she’s sick. And so he would agree with me.

Now, he’s back in his home town for a three weeks vacation. A while ago, we were talking over whatsapp, he told me that his ex was asking if he’s back in India. He told me he wants to call the girl, so he could ask her about how she’s coping with her sickness. Actually, I was the one who suggested on him to give his ex girlfriend a call. In a few minutes from now, I think they’re probably talking to each other already.

Somehow, I feel pain inside. Maybe because I hate the fact that he still talks to his ex. But I cannot be upset on him. Why? First, we are not in a relationship. Second, his happiness, is also my happiness. For the first time, I’ve never felt this way towards someone. Normally, I would go out of the picture if I see that this guy is putting me on a rebound situation. But now, it’s not the case. Sometimes, I think this is my karma. The comeback of all the pain that I caused my ex boyfriend. For cheating at my ex and dating several men, knowing that these are all in a relationship as well. But when I remember God, I know that’s not the situation. I know I met this guy for a reason. He is in my life now either he is a blessing, or a lesson. God moves in His mysterious ways. He has greater plans for all of us. Like what I said, I was never like this before. Right now, it’s not the case.

Even if I’m in pain, even if I wish I could tell him to stop talking to his ex, I couldn’t. Instead, I’m trying to be the bigger person. I’m trying to understand the situation, even if it’s so hard to understand. And I pray to God that he may find inner peace and happiness, even if in the end, I’m not going to be a part of it.

At last, I can say that I’m ready Lord for the right person. I’m ready to fall in love once again. This time, I need your guidance. I’ll just wait for your perfect timing.

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His timing is perfect.

God has His perfect timing.

It’s been a few weeks since I became officially single. At first, it was really hard to cope especially when some inspirations were gone. I tell myself that I’m never gonna make it and move on. However, this depression didn’t last for long. I found myself seeking for Lord’s presence.

For a while, it made me feel better. I thought I was already a full pledge Christian, until I started to struggle with my faith. Things became more complicated, ever since different issues came into my life. I had a problem with my mom which caused an argument in my family. Financial issues added up as well. Then, the British guy I met online is slowly fading away. All these made my life more difficult.

Each day started to get dark and gloomy again. Even though in my mind I was praying, my heart is not cooperating. I knew that something is wrong, so I asked for some help from my devoted Christian friends. Every day I talk to them and ask for some guidance with my struggle. So we started exchanging bible verses and religious conversations to help me ease the pain. Also, I tried to read articles about Bible and God to help me believe again. And I was right! In no time, my faith is starting to regain back, little by little.

God has always been patient at me. He knows all my worries and fears. I’m a working progress, and most of the time, I fall down. Yet, He never give up.
God is a loving God. Although it’s never easy, God promised me that it will be worth it. All I need to do is to be patient and continue walking by faith. The key is to trust Him and be patient. For some day, He’ll give me the most beautiful story, more that I could ever imagine. For the mean time, I’m blessed with other things like my daughter, family and friends. Most recent blessing from Lord, is my career. I was one of those privilege people to work in a multi national company, despite my lack of knowledge.

Bless you Lord Jesus Christ and God! Your unconditional love is enough.

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Giving up.

There’s a difference between giving up and knowing you had enough.

Each one of us is entitled to make our own decisions. We create our own path. So if at the end, something bad will happen, it’s called regrets. The challenge is to get back up, each time we fall down.

My life is pretty devastated nowadays. Mind is stressed out and my body is dragging me to work. Issues about relationship arises. Lately, I’ve been really confused with my feelings for my partner. I’ve been easily attracted to every boy in my office, which is not normal for me. I cannot call myself faithful, but I am definitely loyal. I know there’s no difference between the two, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. The thing is, my feelings for him are slowly fading away.

Last night, I was out with my colleagues. It was then that I realized I had to break it up. For once, I need to be fair and just with my partner. I’ve been cheating on him, since I can’t remember. I know I can’t justify this one, but I certainly have valid reasons. So, I made the biggest decision of my life. I literally went out from my comfort zone for six years. I broke up with my long time partner, the father of my kid. It was not easy. I’m at lost with words. But no matter how I say it, he would still be hurt.

I might be the biggest loser for breaking up with an almost perfect guy. But I have my own needs, I want genuine happiness. Inner peace, so to speak. Why would I constantly cheat, if I’m happy? Why would both of us will be in pain, if things are working out the way it should be? Love should give you real joy, not to swim in pain. I might regret this soon. Some might even think that this is where karma comes around. For me, I gained more. I took one step further. I grew up. This is where my road to maturity starts.

Sometimes, giving up is the only option you have. It’s for both of us.

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Work.

Just breathe.

Ever since I resigned from my previous company, I was having a hard time looking for the perfect job for replacement. Don’t get me wrong, I know perfection is far from reality. So I would like to replace it with another adjective, and that is ideal. I need a company that will bring out the best in me, while salary and benefits come after. I want my colleagues to be supportive and not some two faced, back stabbers. The work load should give you lessons in life, but not to the extent that will take your personal life away from you.

Unfortunately, none of these do exist. Apparently, I’m stuck with an international retail company that gives me a lot of stress. That’s right. You heard me. STRESS. How long will I take this? Overtime. Literally, beyond working hours. Small pay. Heavy work load. God only knows when will I last.

Is this my life long karma for leaving my old company? Hope not.

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Birthdays.

Birthdays only comes once a year.

Isn’t it ironic that birthday is only once a year? Well, most people would not like the idea of growing old every month. Not to mention the extravagant expenses for birthday celebrations.

Anyway, the reason why I am writing this blog post is because I feel down. I’ll be celebrating my birthday this month, and I want all my friends to be there. Unfortunately, most of them would not be there. Some will be out of town. While some have work. But the most selfish reason is that “they just don’t feel like going because they might be out of place with the crowd”. Whatever reasons they have, I still count it as not valid. On my part, it’s quite unfair that they can’t make it on my birthday, while I am always there whenever they need me. Well, most of the time.

Maybe it is true when my boyfriend told me that I have more bronze friends than silver and gold. Seems that I can’t count on them, whenever I’m in need. Hope things will change overnight.

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A bad start for 2014.

New Year, brand new start, new beginnings.

New year is all about reuniting and forgiving each and every one. So as much as possible, that’s how I want my 2014 to be.

Last Friday, I had problems with my boyfriend’s friends. While I was on my way home, I saw one of his friend’s status on Facebook saying, “dinner with 5 people blah blah”. Down on the comments, my guy posted “hanep a”. Surprisingly, my boyfriend was not invited. Initially, my reaction was different. I had to rushed home and asked my boyfriend about that status. He said, he has no idea at all. Then, that’s when I started shaking angrily and became upset.

Beforehand, I asked his friends already if there would be a party for that night, since it was one of his friends who will celebrate a birthday. They told me it was postponed until next week. So I was a bit shocked, when I saw their status about dinner on that same night. Nevertheless, I asked my boyfriend about what really happened with him and his friends. His reaction was nothing. Due to this, I felt sorry for him, that’s why I had to post how I really felt that night on my status. After all, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.

Thinking that all his friends would react negatively, I still did what I had to do. As much as possible, I don’t want to invade their friendship at all sort, because I have no right at all. But then again, it was my boyfriend who was hurt and affected by that dinner issue.

Day after, I asked for an apology to all of his friends. Somehow, I knew I made a mistake and I felt guilty about what I posted on the social networking site. As I expected, it took them some minutes before I received a reply. Even if I was also hurt, I accepted everything they said and had no reaction except “sorry, it won’t happen again”.

Wanting a little bit of his sympathy, I told my boyfriend about what really happened. Instead of telling me that he also understand my part, I was wrong. His reaction was totally different. He nagged me and told me that I should have not interfere with him and his friends’ issue, because I’m not a part of their circle. However, I didn’t mean to invade their friendship at any sort, I only felt bad because of what they did to him. But still, his reaction was negative. So I had no choice, but to apologize to him as well.

After these bad issues that happened, I asked myself why I had to experience these. What could I’ve possibly done wrong, to deserve this treatment from him and everyone around him? I really felt sad and more depressed. Although I had an issue with them back in 2008, I’ve already moved on. Why can’t they?

I envy those girls who were not judge by their boyfriend’s family or friends. If only I could be like them. Sigh.