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Doubting God.

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. ❤️ 

Jeremiah 29:11

Did you ever question God? Did you ask why you have pain despite surrendering everything to Him?

Lately, my mind drifts away. Life seems to be tougher than ever. It reached the point I asked why I have struggles, anxiety and fear. To think that I’ve surrendered my life to Him. I did my part as His follower. I tried my best to share the gospel to others. All my decisions are based on His words. What could possibly go wrong?

Nevertheless, I started to feel depress. I even thought of going back to my old lifestyle, where life is way easier and carefree. Each day, “I ask, why Lord? Why do I have pain? “..

However, God is PATIENT. He knows I am weak. He is able to handle my ambiguities or doubts. More than that, God is FAITHFUL. He ALWAYS keeps His PROMISES. No amount of sin can ever change God’s mind for His greater plans and purpose in my life. 

All those times I doubted, there was no instance He never answered my questions. God wants me to HOLD ON. He wants me to have FAITH on Him. I may not understand what’s going on right now, but I TRUST Him. God knows what He is doing and He is in STILL in CONTROL. 

I realized it was never what I did for Him, rather it’s what Jesus Christ did for me in the cross — when He gave His life for my eternal life. The most perfect description of unconditional love (John 3:16). ❤️

What about you? Do you trust God? 

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Fairy Tale No More.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).

About a month ago, I posted a blog about my engagement. Yes, I got engaged! However, TODAY my engagement has been called off. No third parties or whatsoever, it was a mutual decision. No one knows why we had to end this way. Both exerted efforts to fix things, and yet, it’s not enough.

For the past few months, I was restless and scared especially December is nearing end. I was unsure if I really wanted marriage with my ex boyfriend, because if I choose him, I will lose my daughter. It’s not that my daughter didn’t accept him, instead, it’s the other way around. He told me all his conditions even before he fought for me with his family. I agreed, probably I was fascinated with the idea of marriage. Weddings, engagement, etc. are all my delusional dreams ever since I broke up with the dad of my kid. So going back to the topic, we both decided to get married only because of sudden emotions.

Last weekend, my ex fiance started to feel dull. We had a huge fight, which even made me go back to my family’s house. At that time, I thought that was the end. But I took the courage to talk and fix things with him. So everything went back normal. Nevertheless, I was wrong. We are not totally fine. Relationship is still on the rocks. He is confused, and so am I.

We discussed all the issues and confusions this evening. I asked him to decide and this time around, it should be firm and final. I made it clear to him that he should not feel guilty for whatever decision he would come up with, since this decision is matter of life and death. Both of our future would rely on this, and he agreed.

Clocks ticking and minutes have passed, he hasn’t given me his answer, until the moment I was waiting for came. Actually, I don’t want to hear his decision. However, I should be brave enough to endure pain, since I’m mentally stronger than him.

He uttered the words, and finally decided not to pursue anymore due to constraints and other complications. For a minute, I felt numb. Tears started to drop and I can’t help it. All of a sudden, my dream wedding ended.

I had no choice but to accept his decisions. I needed to be strong and accept my long awaited punishment for all my sins in the past.

Now, I’m only praying for one thing, may God help me endure this pain ONCE AGAIN. I know I cannot handle this alone, and will never be. I’m not perfect and I commit sins. But God is a loving God, and His love will never fail.
To be continue…

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His timing is perfect.

God has His perfect timing.

It’s been a few weeks since I became officially single. At first, it was really hard to cope especially when some inspirations were gone. I tell myself that I’m never gonna make it and move on. However, this depression didn’t last for long. I found myself seeking for Lord’s presence.

For a while, it made me feel better. I thought I was already a full pledge Christian, until I started to struggle with my faith. Things became more complicated, ever since different issues came into my life. I had a problem with my mom which caused an argument in my family. Financial issues added up as well. Then, the British guy I met online is slowly fading away. All these made my life more difficult.

Each day started to get dark and gloomy again. Even though in my mind I was praying, my heart is not cooperating. I knew that something is wrong, so I asked for some help from my devoted Christian friends. Every day I talk to them and ask for some guidance with my struggle. So we started exchanging bible verses and religious conversations to help me ease the pain. Also, I tried to read articles about Bible and God to help me believe again. And I was right! In no time, my faith is starting to regain back, little by little.

God has always been patient at me. He knows all my worries and fears. I’m a working progress, and most of the time, I fall down. Yet, He never give up.
God is a loving God. Although it’s never easy, God promised me that it will be worth it. All I need to do is to be patient and continue walking by faith. The key is to trust Him and be patient. For some day, He’ll give me the most beautiful story, more that I could ever imagine. For the mean time, I’m blessed with other things like my daughter, family and friends. Most recent blessing from Lord, is my career. I was one of those privilege people to work in a multi national company, despite my lack of knowledge.

Bless you Lord Jesus Christ and God! Your unconditional love is enough.

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Giving up.

There’s a difference between giving up and knowing you had enough.

Each one of us is entitled to make our own decisions. We create our own path. So if at the end, something bad will happen, it’s called regrets. The challenge is to get back up, each time we fall down.

My life is pretty devastated nowadays. Mind is stressed out and my body is dragging me to work. Issues about relationship arises. Lately, I’ve been really confused with my feelings for my partner. I’ve been easily attracted to every boy in my office, which is not normal for me. I cannot call myself faithful, but I am definitely loyal. I know there’s no difference between the two, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. The thing is, my feelings for him are slowly fading away.

Last night, I was out with my colleagues. It was then that I realized I had to break it up. For once, I need to be fair and just with my partner. I’ve been cheating on him, since I can’t remember. I know I can’t justify this one, but I certainly have valid reasons. So, I made the biggest decision of my life. I literally went out from my comfort zone for six years. I broke up with my long time partner, the father of my kid. It was not easy. I’m at lost with words. But no matter how I say it, he would still be hurt.

I might be the biggest loser for breaking up with an almost perfect guy. But I have my own needs, I want genuine happiness. Inner peace, so to speak. Why would I constantly cheat, if I’m happy? Why would both of us will be in pain, if things are working out the way it should be? Love should give you real joy, not to swim in pain. I might regret this soon. Some might even think that this is where karma comes around. For me, I gained more. I took one step further. I grew up. This is where my road to maturity starts.

Sometimes, giving up is the only option you have. It’s for both of us.

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Work.

Just breathe.

Ever since I resigned from my previous company, I was having a hard time looking for the perfect job for replacement. Don’t get me wrong, I know perfection is far from reality. So I would like to replace it with another adjective, and that is ideal. I need a company that will bring out the best in me, while salary and benefits come after. I want my colleagues to be supportive and not some two faced, back stabbers. The work load should give you lessons in life, but not to the extent that will take your personal life away from you.

Unfortunately, none of these do exist. Apparently, I’m stuck with an international retail company that gives me a lot of stress. That’s right. You heard me. STRESS. How long will I take this? Overtime. Literally, beyond working hours. Small pay. Heavy work load. God only knows when will I last.

Is this my life long karma for leaving my old company? Hope not.

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Birthdays.

Birthdays only comes once a year.

Isn’t it ironic that birthday is only once a year? Well, most people would not like the idea of growing old every month. Not to mention the extravagant expenses for birthday celebrations.

Anyway, the reason why I am writing this blog post is because I feel down. I’ll be celebrating my birthday this month, and I want all my friends to be there. Unfortunately, most of them would not be there. Some will be out of town. While some have work. But the most selfish reason is that “they just don’t feel like going because they might be out of place with the crowd”. Whatever reasons they have, I still count it as not valid. On my part, it’s quite unfair that they can’t make it on my birthday, while I am always there whenever they need me. Well, most of the time.

Maybe it is true when my boyfriend told me that I have more bronze friends than silver and gold. Seems that I can’t count on them, whenever I’m in need. Hope things will change overnight.

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A bad start for 2014.

New Year, brand new start, new beginnings.

New year is all about reuniting and forgiving each and every one. So as much as possible, that’s how I want my 2014 to be.

Last Friday, I had problems with my boyfriend’s friends. While I was on my way home, I saw one of his friend’s status on Facebook saying, “dinner with 5 people blah blah”. Down on the comments, my guy posted “hanep a”. Surprisingly, my boyfriend was not invited. Initially, my reaction was different. I had to rushed home and asked my boyfriend about that status. He said, he has no idea at all. Then, that’s when I started shaking angrily and became upset.

Beforehand, I asked his friends already if there would be a party for that night, since it was one of his friends who will celebrate a birthday. They told me it was postponed until next week. So I was a bit shocked, when I saw their status about dinner on that same night. Nevertheless, I asked my boyfriend about what really happened with him and his friends. His reaction was nothing. Due to this, I felt sorry for him, that’s why I had to post how I really felt that night on my status. After all, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.

Thinking that all his friends would react negatively, I still did what I had to do. As much as possible, I don’t want to invade their friendship at all sort, because I have no right at all. But then again, it was my boyfriend who was hurt and affected by that dinner issue.

Day after, I asked for an apology to all of his friends. Somehow, I knew I made a mistake and I felt guilty about what I posted on the social networking site. As I expected, it took them some minutes before I received a reply. Even if I was also hurt, I accepted everything they said and had no reaction except “sorry, it won’t happen again”.

Wanting a little bit of his sympathy, I told my boyfriend about what really happened. Instead of telling me that he also understand my part, I was wrong. His reaction was totally different. He nagged me and told me that I should have not interfere with him and his friends’ issue, because I’m not a part of their circle. However, I didn’t mean to invade their friendship at any sort, I only felt bad because of what they did to him. But still, his reaction was negative. So I had no choice, but to apologize to him as well.

After these bad issues that happened, I asked myself why I had to experience these. What could I’ve possibly done wrong, to deserve this treatment from him and everyone around him? I really felt sad and more depressed. Although I had an issue with them back in 2008, I’ve already moved on. Why can’t they?

I envy those girls who were not judge by their boyfriend’s family or friends. If only I could be like them. Sigh.

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Last blog for 2013.

Learn to accept things you can’t change.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot of problems. This year hasn’t been really good to me. Still, I’m thankful that I’m blessed for having great people in my life.

To start of, my dad and I are not in good terms. He left us when I was 11. Although he’s outside Philippines, we still find time to talk. My dad has other women, and that’s one of the reasons, why he never worked it out with my mom. At his old age now, he still plays it with women. With younger girls, so to speak. It annoys me, every time he post photos of these girls on his Facebook.

A while ago, he really pissed me off. Apparently, my dad tagged this girl on one of my photos. Aside from that, he posted some of their conversation on public. So I talked to him and confronted him of what he did. As her daughter, I made him feel that what he did, was disrespectful on my part. But instead of asking for an apology, he nagged me and told me things that hurt me more. In return, I answered back due to so much pain in my heart. Now, things aren’t good between my dad and I.

On the other hand, I’m still depressed with my current household situation. Since my dad left us, I already took over his responsibility. Financially, I support my mom and my brother. Not only that, I also have a daughter to provide to. Imagine all these responsibilities that’s being shouldered by a 24 year old lady. For some, I may be over reacting, but believe it or not, women of my age are probably making the most out of their career and love life.

Aside from these problems, my relationship with my boyfriend is quite getting complicated. Probably, it came to the point that I’m no longer happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still inlove with him. But I know deep down, that something is missing. And this is the reason, why my relationship with him is getting destructive. Nevertheless, I cheated on him a lot of times. For some, there is no justification with what I did. But for me, there is a reason why it happened. Probably, I am no longer happy. Maybe, I’m just trying too hard to make things work. For whatever reason it may be, I know that my happiness is not the same, as what I have before.

With all these, I came into one conclusion. If I really want that genuine happiness, I need to accept things that I cannot change. Or if I don’t want to settle with these things, I need to sort things out on my own. Not only emotionally, but spiritually.

To cap off this blog, 2013 brought me a lot of changes. Some are good, and some are bad. I hope the coming year would make big changes on my life.

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Final.

I can’t tell if it’s killing me or making me stronger.

It’s only been a few hours, since I broke up with my man. It was not a mutual decision, and it has been long overdue already. I had to ponder for days even before I was able to make up my mind.

For years, I felt stuck in an old picture, wherein the scenario is same. Our relationship is a cycle of pointless drama and endless arguments. Most of the time, I already gave up, but it’s a million times more of the getting-back-together period. For a while, I felt tired and I had second thoughts, and eventually ask for changes. So I ask myself, am I still happy? Am I contented with this? I had to sort things out, in order to avoid the same mistakes over and over again.

Now, the decision has been finalized. I want to be happy, not only because i wanted to, but I deserved to.