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Fairy Tale No More.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).

About a month ago, I posted a blog about my engagement. Yes, I got engaged! However, TODAY my engagement has been called off. No third parties or whatsoever, it was a mutual decision. No one knows why we had to end this way. Both exerted efforts to fix things, and yet, it’s not enough.

For the past few months, I was restless and scared especially December is nearing end. I was unsure if I really wanted marriage with my ex boyfriend, because if I choose him, I will lose my daughter. It’s not that my daughter didn’t accept him, instead, it’s the other way around. He told me all his conditions even before he fought for me with his family. I agreed, probably I was fascinated with the idea of marriage. Weddings, engagement, etc. are all my delusional dreams ever since I broke up with the dad of my kid. So going back to the topic, we both decided to get married only because of sudden emotions.

Last weekend, my ex fiance started to feel dull. We had a huge fight, which even made me go back to my family’s house. At that time, I thought that was the end. But I took the courage to talk and fix things with him. So everything went back normal. Nevertheless, I was wrong. We are not totally fine. Relationship is still on the rocks. He is confused, and so am I.

We discussed all the issues and confusions this evening. I asked him to decide and this time around, it should be firm and final. I made it clear to him that he should not feel guilty for whatever decision he would come up with, since this decision is matter of life and death. Both of our future would rely on this, and he agreed.

Clocks ticking and minutes have passed, he hasn’t given me his answer, until the moment I was waiting for came. Actually, I don’t want to hear his decision. However, I should be brave enough to endure pain, since I’m mentally stronger than him.

He uttered the words, and finally decided not to pursue anymore due to constraints and other complications. For a minute, I felt numb. Tears started to drop and I can’t help it. All of a sudden, my dream wedding ended.

I had no choice but to accept his decisions. I needed to be strong and accept my long awaited punishment for all my sins in the past.

Now, I’m only praying for one thing, may God help me endure this pain ONCE AGAIN. I know I cannot handle this alone, and will never be. I’m not perfect and I commit sins. But God is a loving God, and His love will never fail.
To be continue…

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Forever is not enough.

I want you to know that I don’t care about forever. I want you for as long as I’m meant to have you.

Seeing someone cries in front of you, creates a small spot on your heart. But to see a grown up man cry, it will not only create a spot, but it will literally make your heart melt. This is exactly how I felt when I saw you weep. For that moment you might be weak and vulnerable, but for me that’s not the case. Thus, you were just emotional and being true to yourself.

We were planning about the future, which is somehow we are not together. Yes, a future where we will never end up together. You told me you’ll eventually end up with an Indian girl, just like how your parents wish. Unfortunately, you added that there is nothing you can do about it. And to be very frank with you, it hurt me.

Hearing these things from you, inflicted pain. I was thinking on how you can even say that you’ll never end up with me. But seeing those tears coming down from your eyes, made me weak. Trust me, for a moment I was speechless. It was my first time to see you cry. Scratch that, it is actually my first time to see a man literally sobbing. And I admire you for being real. You told me you don’t want to lose me. You even asked me why we needed to meet, if eventually we’ll part ways. And you even made it clearer, how much you love me.

But guess what? I love you too. I want to cry just like you. But I chose not to. I needed to be strong for you, when you feel weak. I want to be your shoulder to cry on. On the other side though, I wanted to tell you to fight for me and never let go. I wanted to ask you to just stay with me forever, but I couldn’t. I am not selfish. I care about you and how you would feel. I know you love your parents and I want you to be with them. Even if the consequence is for you to lose me, I’ll do it just to see you happy.

So I have decided to live at the moment and enjoy every single minute of it. I’ll not expect forever on your end, and will just accept things that I cannot change. For I know, God has greater plans on why we’ve crossed each other’s path. Whatever that reason may be, we still opt to know.

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Closure.

Closure (n)
the act of closing; the state of being closed.

After all these confusions, I was able to talk to you and address my feelings. Initially, it’s giving me pain deep down especially when you’re finally moving on. I know for a fact that you’re seeing someone new already. Don’t take me wrong, I have nothing against that. In fact, it was me who prayed for your happiness. And it’s a good thing that it’s already happening.

Closure is what I needed. I had to see you again to let myself know that I’m completely okay even without you. In the first place, it’s me who left you. It’s me who gave up on our relationship. It’s me who let go. God clearly answered the questions and doubts in my heart. He knows what exactly to do. And somehow, He did it.

Looking back over the years, I have no regrets that I’ve met you. It was all because of Kaella and that’s the only reason. Unfortunately, other things are not really meant to be. But it’s all good. I’m happy and you’re happy. We are both happy. That’s what matters. At the end of the day, we finally had the closure.

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Unfair.

Can you even imagine how unfair you are? Now that you’re single, you do a lot of things that I long for us to do together. Simple request that I asked from you and yet, you didn’t give me.

Clearly, you’re enjoying yourself now. I hope you have a good time. So stupid of me to stalk your profile every now and then. So here what I get from you, nothing but sadness. Thank you for being unfair.

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Wishing you to be happy.

When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along.

It was not an accident that I’ve read your blog again. Somehow I’m completely aware that it’s me who made a choice, when I’ve decided to let you go. It’s been more than three months since we broke up and you’ve been badly broken with what I did to you. All I ever brought you was pain and sadness. However, after seeing your blog post yesterday, it made me feel different. Different in a sense that I’m happy and yet I feel sad at the same time. Happy because you’ve finally replaced me in your heart. Sad, because you’ve finally seen a replacement. How ironic isn’t it? I never thought you’ll fall for someone that quick. But then again, I’m glad you’re life is starting to have a meaning again.

Nevertheless, I’m happy for you. Finally, you have let go of me and you’ve seen someone else to change your way of perspective. Somehow, I think I know who this girl is. I’m also aware that we were introduced to her both at the same time, so I already had a glimpse of this girl. Anyhow, I wish you both happiness, just like how I found mine. That’s all I ever wanted for you from the very beginning. At last, you’re starting to be in love once more.

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Unselfish love.

You know it’s true love when you want them to be happy, even if you’re not a part of it.

People would ask me,

Cam, why are you not yet together?

And I would say,

because we are taking our time.

This is the normal response that I give to everyone, who would ask me why I’m not yet in a relationship with the Indian guy. On my part, I know I’ve already moved on from my previous relationship. Even before I met the Indian guy, I’m already coping with single hood. However, it’s not the case for him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to imply that he is in a relationship. Indian guy is totally single, I’m just not sure if we are on the same level.

After nine months of coming here to Manila, it was just four months ago that he broke up with his ex girlfriend. Or should I say, his ex broke up with him. He was emotionally reck and depressed after that incident. However, he had no choice but to cope with the decision that his ex made. So for four months, he’s completely single, until he met me.

For almost a month, we are exclusively seeing each other. Things are turning really good for both of us. Nevertheless, he is my perfect combination in all aspect. Unfortunately, every relationship has its flaws. In our case, I think this Indian guy is not yet over with his ex girlfriend. Occasionally, he would rant to me about his ex. He says that he is so upset that his ex girlfriend cheated on her, despite the fact that he didn’t do anything wrong. And so I would respond on the neutral state, because I don’t want to be biased. But there are times that I would feel really sad, every time he will talk to this girl. As you don’t know, his ex girlfriend is ill. She is starting to have a colon cancer, although it was not yet medically confirmed. So I being the third party on the situation, I would tell this guy that he should understand what this girl is going through because she’s sick. And so he would agree with me.

Now, he’s back in his home town for a three weeks vacation. A while ago, we were talking over whatsapp, he told me that his ex was asking if he’s back in India. He told me he wants to call the girl, so he could ask her about how she’s coping with her sickness. Actually, I was the one who suggested on him to give his ex girlfriend a call. In a few minutes from now, I think they’re probably talking to each other already.

Somehow, I feel pain inside. Maybe because I hate the fact that he still talks to his ex. But I cannot be upset on him. Why? First, we are not in a relationship. Second, his happiness, is also my happiness. For the first time, I’ve never felt this way towards someone. Normally, I would go out of the picture if I see that this guy is putting me on a rebound situation. But now, it’s not the case. Sometimes, I think this is my karma. The comeback of all the pain that I caused my ex boyfriend. For cheating at my ex and dating several men, knowing that these are all in a relationship as well. But when I remember God, I know that’s not the situation. I know I met this guy for a reason. He is in my life now either he is a blessing, or a lesson. God moves in His mysterious ways. He has greater plans for all of us. Like what I said, I was never like this before. Right now, it’s not the case.

Even if I’m in pain, even if I wish I could tell him to stop talking to his ex, I couldn’t. Instead, I’m trying to be the bigger person. I’m trying to understand the situation, even if it’s so hard to understand. And I pray to God that he may find inner peace and happiness, even if in the end, I’m not going to be a part of it.

At last, I can say that I’m ready Lord for the right person. I’m ready to fall in love once again. This time, I need your guidance. I’ll just wait for your perfect timing.

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Better plan.

He always has a plan for us.

Ever wonder why God would give us something and eventually takes it away? Most people in my life were neither taken or left. I know I don’t have any right to question our Lord about these things. He has sole plan for each one of us. And to that, I always believe.

Aside from my boyfriend, there were several men who entered my life. Most of them left in a month or so. Leaving me always speechless. Whenever I try to work things out with these men, I always end up with the same guy, and that is my boyfriend. Somehow I ask myself, am I a natural cheater? Or I’m just no longer happy? Questions that seemed easy to ask. But hard to be answered.

The current boy that I’m into, is the same boy from my previous entry. He’s none other than, the foreign guy from Netherlands. He simply blows me away with his passion for music. Our endless conversations with a different timezone, made it more special than the others. Although he’s way younger than me, we seem to have the same level of perspective. He’s currently making me happy, but I’m scared of what things could be. Every day I ask God not to take him away from me, even if it’s wrong. I should not be doing this because I don’t have any right.

I shouldn’t be expecting on good things to happen. Although God will give me the right man, for I know He has better plans. I still have one wish.

I want an escape. I want to be happy.

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Giving up.

There’s a difference between giving up and knowing you had enough.

Each one of us is entitled to make our own decisions. We create our own path. So if at the end, something bad will happen, it’s called regrets. The challenge is to get back up, each time we fall down.

My life is pretty devastated nowadays. Mind is stressed out and my body is dragging me to work. Issues about relationship arises. Lately, I’ve been really confused with my feelings for my partner. I’ve been easily attracted to every boy in my office, which is not normal for me. I cannot call myself faithful, but I am definitely loyal. I know there’s no difference between the two, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. The thing is, my feelings for him are slowly fading away.

Last night, I was out with my colleagues. It was then that I realized I had to break it up. For once, I need to be fair and just with my partner. I’ve been cheating on him, since I can’t remember. I know I can’t justify this one, but I certainly have valid reasons. So, I made the biggest decision of my life. I literally went out from my comfort zone for six years. I broke up with my long time partner, the father of my kid. It was not easy. I’m at lost with words. But no matter how I say it, he would still be hurt.

I might be the biggest loser for breaking up with an almost perfect guy. But I have my own needs, I want genuine happiness. Inner peace, so to speak. Why would I constantly cheat, if I’m happy? Why would both of us will be in pain, if things are working out the way it should be? Love should give you real joy, not to swim in pain. I might regret this soon. Some might even think that this is where karma comes around. For me, I gained more. I took one step further. I grew up. This is where my road to maturity starts.

Sometimes, giving up is the only option you have. It’s for both of us.