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To You. 

In love, there is no fear. Rather, perfect love casts out fear.

1 John 4:18

No amount of words could ever describe the pain I feel at the moment. The feeling is so familiar. It reminds me of a situation occured in the past that led me completely to God’s arms.

Before I said “yes” to the relationship, I deeply prayed about it. In which every decision I take, I ask God for His guidance. 

I still remember those times I always want to leave because I was so scared to fall in love again. However, God asked me to STAY and I did. Trusting God without having any assurance is walking by faith. As Christians, we are called to trust in the Lord. In which, I did exactly as commanded. I could not forget this instagram post, 

Try again, this time with God.

And so I did..

I might not understand what’s happening, all I know is what I feel for you — I love you.. so much.. I prayed for you.. I prayed for God’s will.. I prayed for you to surrender your life to Him.. That you will love and honor God more than me.. 

Trust me, I never wanted to give up. I want to stay. I could trade anything in the world now, just to be with you. 

I may be so scared right now, on what will happen. All I know is that God loved me unconditionally knowing that I might never love Him back, and as a Christian — He wants me to be Christlike. He wants me to LOVE unconditionally with NO FEAR. And that is what I want to do.. 

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Christmas Gift

Proverbs 3:12 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Just when I thought this Christmas is the saddest moment of my year, God showed me instead that it is the time to rejoice and start all over again.

My ex fiance left for good and went back to his country. Like a lost sheep, I was all alone and heartbrokened. I even questioned Him on why I was going through this problem.

However, it is during this hard time when God spoke to me and asked me to come home. God is my Lord and Savior, and He as my Father, disciplines me as His own daughter. He brought me back to the right track, just when I seem to be so lost. He understands how painful this discipline may be, but it is His way to remind me to trust His plans accordingly.

I know God will sustain me and help endure pain. For He gave me the most wonderful gift this Christmas, and it is the restoration of my relationship with Him.

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Fairy Tale No More.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).

About a month ago, I posted a blog about my engagement. Yes, I got engaged! However, TODAY my engagement has been called off. No third parties or whatsoever, it was a mutual decision. No one knows why we had to end this way. Both exerted efforts to fix things, and yet, it’s not enough.

For the past few months, I was restless and scared especially December is nearing end. I was unsure if I really wanted marriage with my ex boyfriend, because if I choose him, I will lose my daughter. It’s not that my daughter didn’t accept him, instead, it’s the other way around. He told me all his conditions even before he fought for me with his family. I agreed, probably I was fascinated with the idea of marriage. Weddings, engagement, etc. are all my delusional dreams ever since I broke up with the dad of my kid. So going back to the topic, we both decided to get married only because of sudden emotions.

Last weekend, my ex fiance started to feel dull. We had a huge fight, which even made me go back to my family’s house. At that time, I thought that was the end. But I took the courage to talk and fix things with him. So everything went back normal. Nevertheless, I was wrong. We are not totally fine. Relationship is still on the rocks. He is confused, and so am I.

We discussed all the issues and confusions this evening. I asked him to decide and this time around, it should be firm and final. I made it clear to him that he should not feel guilty for whatever decision he would come up with, since this decision is matter of life and death. Both of our future would rely on this, and he agreed.

Clocks ticking and minutes have passed, he hasn’t given me his answer, until the moment I was waiting for came. Actually, I don’t want to hear his decision. However, I should be brave enough to endure pain, since I’m mentally stronger than him.

He uttered the words, and finally decided not to pursue anymore due to constraints and other complications. For a minute, I felt numb. Tears started to drop and I can’t help it. All of a sudden, my dream wedding ended.

I had no choice but to accept his decisions. I needed to be strong and accept my long awaited punishment for all my sins in the past.

Now, I’m only praying for one thing, may God help me endure this pain ONCE AGAIN. I know I cannot handle this alone, and will never be. I’m not perfect and I commit sins. But God is a loving God, and His love will never fail.
To be continue…

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Closure.

Closure (n)
the act of closing; the state of being closed.

After all these confusions, I was able to talk to you and address my feelings. Initially, it’s giving me pain deep down especially when you’re finally moving on. I know for a fact that you’re seeing someone new already. Don’t take me wrong, I have nothing against that. In fact, it was me who prayed for your happiness. And it’s a good thing that it’s already happening.

Closure is what I needed. I had to see you again to let myself know that I’m completely okay even without you. In the first place, it’s me who left you. It’s me who gave up on our relationship. It’s me who let go. God clearly answered the questions and doubts in my heart. He knows what exactly to do. And somehow, He did it.

Looking back over the years, I have no regrets that I’ve met you. It was all because of Kaella and that’s the only reason. Unfortunately, other things are not really meant to be. But it’s all good. I’m happy and you’re happy. We are both happy. That’s what matters. At the end of the day, we finally had the closure.

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Unfair.

Can you even imagine how unfair you are? Now that you’re single, you do a lot of things that I long for us to do together. Simple request that I asked from you and yet, you didn’t give me.

Clearly, you’re enjoying yourself now. I hope you have a good time. So stupid of me to stalk your profile every now and then. So here what I get from you, nothing but sadness. Thank you for being unfair.

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Wishing you to be happy.

When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along.

It was not an accident that I’ve read your blog again. Somehow I’m completely aware that it’s me who made a choice, when I’ve decided to let you go. It’s been more than three months since we broke up and you’ve been badly broken with what I did to you. All I ever brought you was pain and sadness. However, after seeing your blog post yesterday, it made me feel different. Different in a sense that I’m happy and yet I feel sad at the same time. Happy because you’ve finally replaced me in your heart. Sad, because you’ve finally seen a replacement. How ironic isn’t it? I never thought you’ll fall for someone that quick. But then again, I’m glad you’re life is starting to have a meaning again.

Nevertheless, I’m happy for you. Finally, you have let go of me and you’ve seen someone else to change your way of perspective. Somehow, I think I know who this girl is. I’m also aware that we were introduced to her both at the same time, so I already had a glimpse of this girl. Anyhow, I wish you both happiness, just like how I found mine. That’s all I ever wanted for you from the very beginning. At last, you’re starting to be in love once more.

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Giving up.

There’s a difference between giving up and knowing you had enough.

Each one of us is entitled to make our own decisions. We create our own path. So if at the end, something bad will happen, it’s called regrets. The challenge is to get back up, each time we fall down.

My life is pretty devastated nowadays. Mind is stressed out and my body is dragging me to work. Issues about relationship arises. Lately, I’ve been really confused with my feelings for my partner. I’ve been easily attracted to every boy in my office, which is not normal for me. I cannot call myself faithful, but I am definitely loyal. I know there’s no difference between the two, and it doesn’t matter to me anymore. The thing is, my feelings for him are slowly fading away.

Last night, I was out with my colleagues. It was then that I realized I had to break it up. For once, I need to be fair and just with my partner. I’ve been cheating on him, since I can’t remember. I know I can’t justify this one, but I certainly have valid reasons. So, I made the biggest decision of my life. I literally went out from my comfort zone for six years. I broke up with my long time partner, the father of my kid. It was not easy. I’m at lost with words. But no matter how I say it, he would still be hurt.

I might be the biggest loser for breaking up with an almost perfect guy. But I have my own needs, I want genuine happiness. Inner peace, so to speak. Why would I constantly cheat, if I’m happy? Why would both of us will be in pain, if things are working out the way it should be? Love should give you real joy, not to swim in pain. I might regret this soon. Some might even think that this is where karma comes around. For me, I gained more. I took one step further. I grew up. This is where my road to maturity starts.

Sometimes, giving up is the only option you have. It’s for both of us.

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Reunited, once more.

No matter how many times he fails you, you’re always there ready to keep him.

Since Monday, I never had a good sleep. Worst is, never even had any kind of food or liquid intake in my body. I’m not used to this kind of habit cause I tend to eat a lot. This simply shows how devastated I was, when my boyfriend and I broke up.

Lost of respect, that’s why we broke up. I really don’t wanna elaborate the reason anymore because I would only remember the pain I endured. The brighter thing is that, we are all good now.

How did we become okay? Even I cannot fathom on this one. I’m just happy that our relationship is quite better than before. Although emotionally speaking, I’m still hurt. The pain is constantly bugging me around. Well, what can I say? Its only been two days since we fought. Fortunately, things turned out good.

Frankly speaking, I don’t even know if I’m ready to get back with him. I know it should take time before everything comes back to normal. Emotionally, I’m not ready to reunite with my boyfriend. But as a whole being, I know I can’t afford to lose him despite all the wrong things he did. Maybe, I just can’t live without him. And all these that happened, were totally beyond my control.

My love for him did not change at all. It is there and forever will be there. Time can only tell until when it will last. But as long as he makes my heart beats fast, it will always be that same guy. Whether he fails me or not, he will always have my love until the last beat of my heart.

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Break up.

I’m not expecting everyone to understand. Not even the ones who are close to me.

Probably, this day is one of the worst days of my life. Seems like the tears falling from my eyes, are the same as the heavy raindrops falling outside of our house. Sad to say, never expected that it would all end this way.

Recently, I’ve been dreaming a lot about my boyfriend. In my dreams, he is constantly cheating on me. At first, I ignored the signs of my dreams, thinking that it’s just all my insecurities in waking life. Until this day came forward.

Out of the blue, I hacked my friend’s account just to stalk his colleague’s facebook. Unfortunately, as I was browsing his colleague’s facebook, I saw two different photos of my boyfriend. First one is him, wrapping around his arms on another girl which apparently is his trainer. The second one, is a photo of him and another girl holding his lap. Upon seeing these, I swear I was literally shaking. For a moment, it felt like I was trapped inside a box. The pain was so intense that I had to stumble upon myself. Thinking where did I go wrong?

But please don’t get me wrong, I have been a cheater for once. And I regret it all. I even admitted to my guy that I liked someone. Literally, I beg down on my knees just to win him back. With that, I promised myself not to cheat on him anymore. But still, I got into this mess. Well, I guess karma strikes back.

My feelings are all emotional. Emotions bursting into flames and ideas that even I cannot withstand. So I had to let it all out to my friends. But only a few understand my situation. Although I’m not blaming them, they could have just listen to with what I feel.

It was never been easy for me and it will never be. We haven’t talked since I broke up with him. He said he has other priorities than my constant drama. So I guess, this is where it all ends.

God, heal me.