The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).
About a month ago, I posted a blog about my engagement. Yes, I got engaged! However, TODAY my engagement has been called off. No third parties or whatsoever, it was a mutual decision. No one knows why we had to end this way. Both exerted efforts to fix things, and yet, it’s not enough.
For the past few months, I was restless and scared especially December is nearing end. I was unsure if I really wanted marriage with my ex boyfriend, because if I choose him, I will lose my daughter. It’s not that my daughter didn’t accept him, instead, it’s the other way around. He told me all his conditions even before he fought for me with his family. I agreed, probably I was fascinated with the idea of marriage. Weddings, engagement, etc. are all my delusional dreams ever since I broke up with the dad of my kid. So going back to the topic, we both decided to get married only because of sudden emotions.
Last weekend, my ex fiance started to feel dull. We had a huge fight, which even made me go back to my family’s house. At that time, I thought that was the end. But I took the courage to talk and fix things with him. So everything went back normal. Nevertheless, I was wrong. We are not totally fine. Relationship is still on the rocks. He is confused, and so am I.
We discussed all the issues and confusions this evening. I asked him to decide and this time around, it should be firm and final. I made it clear to him that he should not feel guilty for whatever decision he would come up with, since this decision is matter of life and death. Both of our future would rely on this, and he agreed.
Clocks ticking and minutes have passed, he hasn’t given me his answer, until the moment I was waiting for came. Actually, I don’t want to hear his decision. However, I should be brave enough to endure pain, since I’m mentally stronger than him.
He uttered the words, and finally decided not to pursue anymore due to constraints and other complications. For a minute, I felt numb. Tears started to drop and I can’t help it. All of a sudden, my dream wedding ended.
I had no choice but to accept his decisions. I needed to be strong and accept my long awaited punishment for all my sins in the past.
Now, I’m only praying for one thing, may God help me endure this pain ONCE AGAIN. I know I cannot handle this alone, and will never be. I’m not perfect and I commit sins. But God is a loving God, and His love will never fail.
To be continue…